The Two Forces That Quiet the Brain , and Move the World

 

Gratitude calms the mind. Purpose directs it. Together, they form the most powerful internal operating system a leader can build , and the most underrated edge in a decade of relentless uncertainty.· ·

Let us see how we can develope this mindset.
Every morning, before the world begins its assault of notifications, demands, and expectations, there is a five-minute habit that costs nothing and could be the highest-ROI practice you ever build.

Write down three things you are grateful for.

Not because it feels good. Not because it is spiritual or fashionable. But because it rewires the brain , and a rewired brain leads differently.

We drastically underestimate how much of our leadership, our decision-making, and our ability to navigate uncertainty is governed not by intelligence or experience, but by the state of our nervous system. A brain in threat mode cannot innovate. A brain gripped by fear cannot collaborate. A brain locked in survival mode cannot imagine anything beyond the next hour.

"Gratitude is not a mood. It is a signal . one that tells your brain: You are safe. You can think. You can choose."

And once the brain is calm, once the internal noise is lowered and the negativity bias is softened, something far more powerful becomes possible: purpose.

Gratitude stabilizes the mind. Purpose directs it. Together, they form the most potent internal governance system a human being can build, and the most underused leadership advantage of our time.

The neuroscience of gratitude isn't soft. It's strategic.

Leaders often dismiss gratitude as sentimental or optional. The data says otherwise.

A 2019 study published in PNAS tracked thousands of people over three decades and found that optimists live 11–15% longer than pessimists . not because they avoid problems, but because their brains remain functional under stress.

Here is the mechanism: when you feel grateful, your brain interprets it as a signal of safety. Safety reduces cortisol. Reduced cortisol increases cognitive bandwidth. Cognitive bandwidth improves judgment. This is not philosophy. it is biology.

Consider what every leader's brain is doing right now. Every inbox is a battlefield. Every meeting is a negotiation. Every decision is made under incomplete information, with the negativity bias exaggerating every risk and catastrophizing turning the worst-case scenario into the assumed one.

Gratitude interrupts that loop. It doesn't remove the problem. It removes the panic — and panic is a terrible strategist.

A CEO, a brutal quarter, and a simple practice

A CEO  was navigating one of the hardest stretches of his career: regulatory pressure, investor anxiety, and a product failure that hit the headlines. His instinct was to tighten control, push harder, and trust no one's judgment but his own.

Instead, he tried something counterintuitive. Each morning, he wrote down three things he was grateful for, specific to the crisis. A team member who stepped up. A hard conversation that cleared the air. A constraint that forced a better solution.

Within a week, his tone changed. Within two weeks, his team's morale shifted. Within a month, he was making the clearest decisions of the entire ordeal. The crisis didn't disappear. His brain simply stopped treating it as a mortal threat — and that changed everything.

Why gratitude alone isn't enough

Here is the part most people miss: gratitude without direction is just emotional comfort. It stabilizes you, but it does not move you. It calms you, but it does not challenge you. It creates clarity, but it does not create momentum.

If gratitude is the foundation, purpose is the architecture. Without it, gratitude becomes a warm bath , soothing, but stagnant. Leaders don't need sedation. They need orientation.

Purpose is not a mission statement. It is a constraint.

It tells you what you will do, and what you will refuse to do, even when the world is screaming for shortcuts. Purpose is the only force strong enough to override fear, fatigue, and uncertainty simultaneously.

In May 1961, John F. Kennedy stood before Congress and declared that America would put a man on the moon before the decade was out. At that moment, NASA had put exactly one astronaut in space , for fifteen minutes. There was no lunar module, no guidance computer, no roadmap, no precedent. By every rational measure, the goal was absurd.

But purpose is not rational. Purpose is catalytic. It aligns institutions, mobilizes talent, compresses timelines, and transforms uncertainty into urgency. It is the only thing that has ever made human beings attempt the impossible — and occasionally pull it off.

We are entering a decade where technology will outpace regulation, markets will outpace institutions, and change will outpace comfort. In such a world, leaders cannot rely on predictability or inherited wisdom. They need a north star, something that stays fixed when everything else is in motion. That north star is purpose.

Two leaders. Same crisis. Different outcomes.

Leader A — Reactive	Leader B — Purposeful
Wakes up anxious and overwhelmed. Brain in survival mode. Makes defensive decisions, shrinks ambition, and protects the past. Managed by the crisis.	Begins the day grounded. Brain is calm, thinking is clear, purpose is front and center. Makes decisions that serve the future, not the fear. Leads through the crisis.

Same external pressures. Different internal operating systems. Radically different outcomes. The only variable is what happened before each of them walked into the room.

How to build this dual system, practically

1. Morning GratitudeWrite three specific things , a conversation that shifted your thinking, a failure that taught you something, a person who showed up when you needed them. Specificity rewires the brain faster than generalities.
2. One Sentence of PurposeAnswer this every morning: "What am I building toward, and why does it matter?" One sentence only. Purpose must be sharp enough to cut through noise.
3. One Aligned ActionNot ten actions. Not a full plan. Just one action today that moves toward your purpose. Purpose compounds through consistency, not intensity.
4. Weekly ReviewAsk yourself: did my decisions come from clarity or fear? Did gratitude shift my baseline? Were my actions aligned with what I say I am building?

The real transformation: governed from within

When gratitude becomes a habit and purpose becomes a compass, something profound shifts. You stop reacting and start choosing. You stop being pulled by circumstances and start being propelled by intention. You stop living in survival mode and start operating in creation mode.

Leaders who build this dual system are not superhuman. They simply run on a different operating system, one that is not at the mercy of the next headline, the next quarter, or the next crisis.

They are calmer in storms. Clearer in ambiguity. More courageous in uncertainty. More generous in success. More resilient in failure.

And it all starts with five minutes and three sentences, before the world gets a word in.

"Gratitude steadies the mind. Purpose steers it. Together, they turn ordinary days into extraordinary trajectories."

Who is your Mentor ?

 

Mentor is a person who can make a significant impact on your career or on your company, drawing on the expertise and experience that person has. Whom you choose as or who gets thrusted upon you to play a mentorship role can be a game changer for you.

It will be fun and also useful to be aware of the nuances with respect to mentor and mentorship to help you choose and benefit from mentors. The role of the mentor is not standard or same in all context. There are different roles that a mentor can play.

The mentor could bring superior subject matter expertise to help you to solve a problem or guide you through corporate web. For example, if you are trying raise funds for your new venture and if you have no prior experience in this, a mentor who may have had extensive exposure as a venture capitalist can be a great help in dealing with multiple service providers and to get the best possible deal. Or if you are considering organisation wide computerisation, someone who have lived through this transformation could help you to be ready for challenges on the way.

The mentor could offer references and endorsements with people of influence and relevance for your growth through his/her network. For example, when you are raising funds, some one who have dealt multiple investors and have had the experience to understand the agenda of the diverse players could help you to refine your investment pitch and may even give reference to different investors.

The mentor could be someone could act as a sounding board for your ideas and provide a philosophical foundation for your initiatives and decisions.  For example, someone who has had good experience in guiding organisational growth could help you in your process of developing alternate growth strategies, evaluating them and make a choice.

While a good mentor may be a mix of all, very often the larger focus may be in a few roles based on their comfort and your priorities.  A genuine mentor with appropriate experience and right intention can make a big difference to you and your company. They can add significant value in helping you to evolve strategies, guide your team, select better tools, turbocharge your marketing and magnify your public relation. Therefore. it will be great for any company to have a mentorship program established as it can contribute to its overall development through development and retention of good managers.

While we give due attention when working with a mentor there is another important dimension, we should be conscious of when choosing and or working with a mentor.

Ideally a mentor would be a person who has achieved certain stature and/ or position that he plays the role of a mentor as a giver and not a taker. Let us go a little deeper on the difference between giver and taker. The giver is a person who has more to give to the mentee. They are self-confident and will work with you to bring the best out of you and also not try to usurp the credit for your achievement, but help you to grow in your role. They will spent time to understand your context, the opportunities available, challenges you face, the strategies your following and proposing and identify your weaknesses and will give you considered advice. They will help you to track progress and act as a sounding board to help you to continuously refine your way forardy

The takers are those who act or pretend to act as your mentor, primarily to enhance their agenda. They will manage to make you doubt yourself and make it look like you are surviving on their ideas. The worst is when often they have nothing really to offer. They are too impatient to understand your context, your challenges, your option and their merits and weaknesses.  They will ask you about all your thoughts and make general comments and motherhood statements with no real value addition and at best may keep goading you to up your aspirations with no suggestions or input or support to make it happen. If you end up succeeding, they will go around announcing to the whole world that your success is courtesy their idea.

You have to be mindful of such people when you choose your mentors independent of their stature and position so that you don’t end up with the latter category. Very often they are in this position because they are better at managing their environment and more than willing to sell their souls for a price. For them end justifies the means with ‘end’ defined as maximising personal agenda. They are too happy to live off the hard work of the doers and smart in edging out the doers in due course like the pirates. (Read this post https://rollingstone-revelations.blogspot.com/2012/05/some-people-all-time-humour.html for a light hearted depiction of such mentors)

Sometimes they are thrusted upon you as advisors, or consultants or directors with you having no choice. Then you will have to have your strategy to protect you from them or manage them and may be the  support of another genuine mentor who will help you in your attempt for self-preservation.

C’est la vie!

“A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.” Oprah Winfrey – Host, Producer, Author & Philanthropist

“Monkey and Me”

I was surprised when I read in National Geographic.Com that “A comparison of Clint's genetic blueprints with that of the human genome shows that our closest living relatives share 96 percent of our DNA. The number of genetic differences between humans and chimps is ten times smaller than that between mice and rats.”

With such few percentage point differences, see what we have managed to achieve in comparison with our simian cousins! We have built cities, cars and aeroplanes and have walked on moon while our cousins are still hanging from trees. Truly remarkable.

Then recently I came across a book written by Mr.Richard Conniff titled “The ape in the corner office”. This book provides a nice exposition on the similarity between the behaviour of apes and human beings. The focus of this book is more on the human behaviour in corporate setting.

The strategies we use to establish our ‘alpha’ status, grovelling and flattery we employ to get our way, the fights we have and how we makeup, how we use language to groom our colleagues and our bosses; all appear to be the same what our ancestors have been employing for millions of years. Just that the scientific progress helped us to have better and diverse tools for innovative implementation of these strategies!!.

Look at the way the Chimpanzees establish their pecking order and the alpha status. It is not just based on brute force. It is derived from a combination of the leadership skill, courage to take decision, strength of the network and also cunning and political manoeuvring; just like human organisations. The relative proportion of each element may vary. When the proportion skews more towards cunning there is a higher chance for group disintegration.

Many scientists have pointed in spite of all the scientific progress, the source of our base emotions and insecurities have not changed for millions of years. Now it has dawned on me that it is not just with respect to genes that we are 96% apes, many of us in our behaviour and inner desires resemble our ancestors more than we think we do!

Therefore, when we learn to look deep and understand the base emotions and inner drives that provoke us to act in certain fashion we may be able to have a better control on ourselves. This understanding could also help us in our relationships as it might give us a perspective on how the other person could react or why the other person reacted in certain manner.

“We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.” Stephen Hawking

Sleeping with the enemy

Human beings are social animals. We have friends and we have enemies. They are nothing but two sides of the same coin; often changing from one form to another based on context or on situation.

What drives our enmity to somebody? The two key factors that influence this are Desire and Pride. Desire on one extreme could be the greed for more and more and on the other extreme it could be the need for self preservation, protection of what we hold precious or demanding what is due. Similarly, pride on one extreme could be the bloated ego or on the other extreme could be defending our dignity.

When we have a conflict with another person about something we desire, or when he hurts our pride in some fashion he becomes our enemy.

The degree of conflict or the stakes associated in this conflict will also determine the intensity of our hostility. If we are fighting for a large material benefit or preservation of our dignity and honour we may even fight harder.

Enmity is also contextual and situational. When Sachin and Jayasurya are playing for India and Sri Lanka they are competing and they are enemies during the game. But when they are playing for Mumbai Indians they are friends. May be in private life they would be friends. Similarly, if I am working with one Mutual Fund, I will be fighting and in competition with other Mutual Funds; maybe I will even try a few tricks to make my competition look not good enough. But when all the mutual funds are fighting with the insurance industry or we are lobbying with the regulator, we are all friends. Mukesh and Anil Ambani may have been fighting with each other to further the interest of their companies and also their personal pride.

That is why sometime the enemy of our enemy becomes our friend. Remember the famous quote from Mr Bush, the past president of America. “You are either my friend or my enemy”.

It is also person dependent. Some people are more tolerant about desire and conflicts associated with it; some people are more accommodating about hurt to their ego so long as there is a material benefit.

When we deal with people, whether in business or in friendship, we need to develop a skill to assess how they would react if and when there is a conflict with respect to either their desire or their pride. We need to also be sensitive to how the reaction would differ as per the situation, the people present or the stakes involved.

If the other person is very greedy, he may use any means to get what he wants or on the other hand we may be able to buy him at a price. If the other person is very proud and hot-headed, it may not be a good idea to needle his pride.

We have to also factor in how powerful, the person with whom we have a conflict is. The more powerful we are, in relation with the other person, we have a better handle. But we need to keep in mind, that the power is determined by not just what he possess or what his position is; but, also by what he perceives that he has to lose. That is why one suicide bomber, can inflict more damage than a battalion of regular soldiers.

“In a war, just or unjust, in the end nobody wins”

No Man is an Island..

Many of us invest in capital market and each of us may follow different investment strategies. Some of us are long term investors and some are short term traders. But these are not discrete choices but two extremes of a continuum. Therefore most of us, on the basis of our risk aptitude, will lie somewhere in between. Whatever be our investment profile our primary reason for our investments is return.

When we invest, we carry out lot of research, fundamental or technical, friendly tips or even ‘insider news’, to maximize our return. Whatever type and extent of research we carry out, we know that all our investments will not give us positive return all the time. If we are good and/ or lucky a large chunk of assets in our portfolio will give us positive returns often enough or some of them will give us extraordinary return occasionally. It is this uncertainty that we try to address when we acquire a diversified portfolio of assets, which on aggregate has a higher probability for offering positive returns.

Some people don’t have the stomach to take this uncertainty and therefore they keep away from the world of investment. When they consciously keep away from the risk they also give away the potential return associated with it. There is no asset that can give total guarantee of return all the time and risk goes hand in hand with any asset.

In the same way our circle of friends or our network of contacts can also be seen as a portfolio of assets. Some of them are worth long-term investment some are worth short term; but, it definitely makes sense to have a diversified portfolio to be built and nurtured.

One may say that this is a very materialistic way of looking at relationships. It will be so only if we define returns in absolute material form. If we include everything that a friendship brings, whether material or spiritual or emotional or just plain cherishing of companionship into the ambit of our model, then this model is a good way to understand and appreciate our portfolio of friends and contacts.

We can seldom get friends or business partners who will always match with our thinking, preferences, beliefs or whims and fancies. There are times some of them will ‘let us down’ beyond our imagination.

What is our response to this? Do we take a position that ‘we cannot trust anybody’ and keep away from relationships as much as possible? If we do so, we will be losers. We miss the opportunity to experience and cherish a variety of wonderful people who may sometime share happiness, sadness and prosperity with us.

Sometimes we overreact to some incidences in which a person has behaved in an unfair/ unethical / disloyal fashion. Do we jump to conclusions on the basis of one/ few incidence (s)? If we do, it may not be a good idea or may not be fair. One missed dividend or one bad quarter cannot be a good enough reason to dump an asset.

It is the reality of life that we need to have a diversified portfolio, whether it is of people or whether it is of material possession. We need to develop a sensitiveness to judge the kind of assets we are comfortable with and what kind of portfolio we need to keep for different proposes; as friends to share our happiness and sorrow and as partners in our professional dealing to strengthen our collective offering.

One of the most critical qualities of people who make things happen and / or is at peace with themselves is their ability to nurture a strong portfolio of friends / contacts (the ‘end’ each of them seek is different; but. there is a commonality in ‘means’ from this point of view). Politically savvy may even have large ‘trading portfolio’ too (a portfolio they churn and trade :-) ).

We need to accept that at best we can expect 80% co-operation from 80% friends at any time. This is only 64% co-operation on a steady state, which is just more than half the time. We need to learn to build on this to go forward. Especially if we are involved in public service, then our skill in identifying areas of common interest with a wide cross section of people becomes a key determinant of success.

I agree, like in capital market, there may be some assets which may be better to shun. But mind you they are a minority, and often contextual and if you are smart and or lucky even they pay a dividend sometimes which may at worst a ‘lesson for life’

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less......” John Donne, 1620

Matter of Honour

“Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!” The Bible

What is the primary role of a Stock Exchange?

It is to provide liquidity for the stocks. It managed this liquidity by having processes in place that enabled thousands of transactions every hour which has now increased to millions per hour with the help of technology. To manage this rate of transactions, even the settlement of trade (fund against security sold and security against funds provided) is made an asynchronous activity (i.e. settled later).

When trading and settlement are asynchronous, there could be risk to both the buyer and the seller; the risk of counter party walking out of the transaction leaving you high and dry. When we have long chains of multiple transactions intertwined and interlinked, such counter party risk will have a domino effect and lead to market failure. This could dissuade many potential investors from participating in the market which ultimately affect liquidity. This used to be the case in Indian capital market before NSE was established with its sophisticated mechanisms for managing the risk. There is margin payment to take away incentive to default; there is a clearing corporation to provide counter party guarantee and so on and so forth.

These risk management measures have significantly contributed to market expansion. The level of trade has increased more than 100 times. Today Indian Capital Market is rated to be one of the best in the world in terms of institutional infrastructure on account of this strong risk management capability.

This is relevant and critical in every human interaction. Every day we deal with a number of people (costumers, suppliers, service providers, regulators, bankers etc) and we agree and commit on certain deliveries between us. Your supplier promises delivery of input materials based on which you have committed delivery to your client for next week. The finance manager has promised to complete the project review by today evening to help you submit the final report to the board tomorrow. The tailor has agreed to deliver the new dress you have ordered for your child. A number of deals and deliveries.

Like in the case of capital markets, the chain of commitments and deliverables are linked to multiple levels and any failure in any level could have cascading effects.

Some people are very reliable in their delivery and even if an unfortunate delay happens they give advance warning helping us to reschedule our plans and our deliverables in an orderly fashion. Some cannot ever honour their commitments. Very often people don’t appreciate the importance of this chain reaction and the need to be reliable.

Let us look at how this affects you and how you should manage this in your daily life.

One of the critical components of professional success is how reliable you are on your commitments. If you are not able to do deliver a promise you should not commit. If you commit and you are unable to meet it, please give advance warning.

When you reduce the risk of dealing with you, then there are more people willing and interested to deal with you. The demand for and liquidity of your offerings increases. On the other hand if you are not a reliable partner, then however capable you are or however useful your products or services are, the demand will be much less than the potential. This reliability factor is critical for your growth and as you go higher it becomes one of the key parameters on which your clients, subordinates and friends decide to deal with you.

On the other hand when you are at the receiving end you need to learn to judge the reliability of person you are dealing with. If you are not dealing with a person who is not reliable, then you need to have mechanisms to incentivise or force reliability.

In fact in your professional life your reliability and that of your partners (colleagues/ service providers / subordinates / bosses) is one of the most critical ingredients that will determine what you achieve.

Contracts, Service Level Agreements, Penalty Clauses etc are tools to manage reliability. As in the case of relationships, your market power (the power you can exert on the giver) can influence the reliability you will be able to command from your partners. But there is no substitute for the age old value of “Pride in Your Commitments”

Market Power & Relationships...

What drives relationships? A number of factors influence relationships between people. This could be love, money, connections, affection, protection, power, position et al. I will use one collective word for all these together. ‘Market Power”. I have chosen these two words to collectively represent the drivers of relationships, as these two words reveal key components of relationships.

The word “market” reminds us that in most relationships there is an exchange i.e.; there is a give(r) and a take(r). “Power” reminds us that in relationships there is high possibility for one to have a larger influence (power) on the other.

Let us take a look at the various dimensions of this ‘Market Power’

In the absence of either of these constituents no relationships can survive. This is applicable for any relationship, be it business or personal.

As you can observe, some sources of market power are what you are; a loving father/ son/ husband, a caring friend, a sensible mentor. We can term it as “the Person Factor”. Some sources are what you possess; money, power, connection. We can term this as “the Possession Factor”

Market power is derived out of both. If the market power in a relationship is derived out of a combination in which “the Person Factor” forms a larger component the relationship may sustain for a longer period. If the driver is the Possession Factor” the relationship may not last so much or may last only till time “the Possession” lasts or only till that time ‘the Possession” is relevant to the other person.

Sometimes the relationship starts out of ‘the Possession Factor’ and grows to encompass ‘the Person Factor’.

In relationships that are driven by ‘the Possession Factor’, the more valuable the possession it is, the higher the market power. So in short term they can have a larger influence. But it is important to remember, that such relationships often lack depth.

One of the traps of the relationships out of ‘the Possession Factor’ is that it becomes demanding. If such demands become excessive then this relationship may degenerate or become exploitative. The other party may tolerate the demands if there is no choice and/or only if there is something to gain.

In relationships, if your demands are perceived to be unreasonable then the other party may cease to be open and frank. You will be told only what you want to hear. But no active effort nurture relationship or even try to add value to what is brought to the table.

This is the trap very often people in power fall to. Senior officers often get used to giving dictates and doling out favours and lose the skill to welcome suggestions or criticism. In such cases the relationships becomes very unbalanced and they cease to learn new things; which in the long run is counterproductive.

It makes enormous sense to develop a skill to judge the drivers in any relationships. How to manage this skill is a personal decision. Some may use it to pursue a strategy of having balanced relationships. Some may not.

But there is no doubt that this skill is a key ingredient in executive survival kit! On the other hand it can also help you to be realistic in your expectations...

Make Love Not War

Any society that consists of people who care only for their self interest is a society that is drifting towards chaos and disorder. It is almost natural for most societies to move in this direction. However, there are two factors that can moderate or control this natural degeneration. First is the extent to which balanced decisions are taken when there is a conflict between private agenda and social responsibility. The second factor is the extent to which affirmative actions are taken even when there is no individual benefit and/or there is individual cost.

I have always wondered what can motivate a utility maximising rational human being to socially responsible behaviour There are many theories that I have heard. What gave me an idea was the feeling that I saw in my daughter towards all animals.

I love animals too. Any cute dog or cat does stir up strong affection. The dogs I own also evoke similar feeling. But the stray in the street never induced any such feelings. But when I go out for a walk with my daughter any animal that we see on the road seems to evoke same affectionate response from her. However haggard, sick or full of wounds, bruises and putrefying sores the dog is, my daughter will point out to me “dad look at that dog, isn’t he cute?”

This used to be the case when she was a little child, and even now although she is a teenager. This is true love.

Love is one word people of all nationality, religion, cast, creed and even age know of. But very often the love that we practice is the love that is conditional or limited; conditional upon what you do for me or limited to my family, friends, cast or sect. This is the love that we often see and experience.

The love that will steer a man or woman towards selfless action is the love that is the pure, unlimited and unconditional love for every human being. It is “an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being”.

It is one of the guiding principles of almost all religions; an imploration to “love thy neighbour as yourself”

It is the only sentiment that can make you think again (at least once a while) when you throw litter out of your window, when you break all rules as you drive along, when you cheat on your tax with impunity, when you fan communal hatred through your actions and inactions, when you destroy public property, when you don’t do your bit to reduce pollution and atmospheric degradation, when you support arms race and when you implement policies that short-shift your customers and so on and so forth.

That is why “Make Love Not War” is truly a timeless slogan.

Don’t let that feeling die.Spend a little bit of time teaching this to your little children.

Now close your eyes and listen to “Make Love Not War” by John Lennon

Relationships – Part II: Lessons from Arabian Nights

In the first part of this article I discussed the spectrum of relationship. It was not a thought that is new or a new revelation. It was meant to be a trigger, to remind ourselves that this is a critical issue that we often neglect or wish away although it has very high influence on the success of any team or any organization.

Some of my friends who took an effort to read this told me that though this was relevant there I have not introduced any solution or tool. I agree I did not provide any prescription drug the Cartesian world is comfortable with.

In managing relationship there cannot be any algorithm. The only true foundation on which a strong relationship can be nurtured is an awareness of the spectrum and the human tendency to drift to its wrong end; accepting what the Japs said. ”You go to office to make your boss look good and to make your sub feel wanted”

Be a giver and not just a taker.

Having said that, in this part II I would like to share two thoughts that came to my mind when I read the story ‘Arabian nights’ for my daughter. First of all, for those who do not remember the story let me narrate it as I remember.

Once upon a time there lived a king who loved his wife very much. Somewhere along the line he went for a long expedition, to conquer the world around him. When he came back from his expedition, he heard that his wife had an affair with his friend. He was devastated. He lost his faith in womanhood. He executed his wife immediately.

From that day, as an expression of his anger at the womenfolk he was on a trip of vengeance. He would marry a woman every day and kill her the very next day. It was the duty of his trusted minister to find a prey every day.

The life of the minister was really sad. He couldn’t stomach what was happening around him. But he could not control.

The minister had a beautiful daughter who was smart and witty. Let us call her Raisina She decided to give a try to change the king. He forced her father to get her married to the king.

She had expressed one wish as a condition to the marriage. Allow her younger sister Rubena to sleep in the next room on her wedding night. The king agreed and they got married. The next day at two in the morning the Rubena woke up and as planned asked Raisina to tell her a story; a last story. Raisina started her story; the story was gripping and when it was early morning and time for her to die the story had just reached the its moment of suspense. The big sis told Rubina, “My baby, it is time for me to go”

The story was so touching and the king too was enthralled. The king allowed one more day for her to complete that story. During the day Raisina went about her normal day and made her useful for the king’s court. The night fell and the story continued. One story was over and a new story started. Early in the morning the story reached suspense again. One more day is extended. It continued for 1001 days. And then king realized the worth of Raisina. They lived happily ever after.

Let me present the learning I got from this story. First, till such time you have a credible story you are alive any relationship will live only if there is a story that interesting to both parties. So start developing storylines..

What is the next take from this story? Don’t make sweeping judgment based on few incidences. Be willing to spend the ‘1001 nights’ before you make your conclusion.

In most of the relationship we have in our life, specially in our office relationship we seldom get this time. But one thing that we can try is to avoid jumping to conclusion on the basis of few incidences. What you observed as a behavior could only be an aberration. There could be an extenuating circumstance so on..

When you are willing to take this position, then there is hope that you may be able to nurture relations to work for you.

Relationships- Part I: Bonding with the Boss

Managing and maintaining relations is a challenge; whether it is the relation between husband and wife or boss and subordinate or just between friends. How successful we are in this will determine how strong this team is. In private life if the relations sour the parties drift apart. If it is a family then the family may breaks down. In organization whose success critically depends on the interactions among the human beings, the challenge is manifold and a failure could lead to its degeneration.

In this article I don’t plan to discuss the whole gamut of relations; but just focus on the relation between boss and immediate subordinate. Especially, high up in the hierarchy where this gets to be more complex. If the sub is equally or more competent then managing the relation gets to be even more difficult.

A healthy team at the top is a blessing for the organization. They gel well guiding the organization to greater heights. The subs support the boss and help to implement their shared vision. The boss guides and encourages the sub in this endeavor. Thus the relationship is tightly coupled and complementary. As the Japanese say, ”You go to office to make your boss look good and to make your sub feel wanted”.

There can be many examples of such winning combinations. Infosys top management succession is a good example for this. Narayanamoorthi as the head of the organization lead from the front for a long time. At the same time, Nandan, Kris, Mohandas etc who were part of Infy from the beginning played critical role in making Infy a great company. Over the period this team ensured that each of these senior players was growing in stature both within and outside the company. This has helped in the smooth transition of the captainship of the company multiple times. Moorthy and Nandan who have now moved over from the executive positions, are still there as mentors and at the same time their credibility and stature has reached such exalted levels that they are able to contribute in a significant fashion to the policy map of India. I think this particular dimension of managing the relationships has been one of the key contributors of its astounding success.

It looks so obvious and simple. But it is one of the most difficult challenges. We looked at one end of the spectrum. Now let look at the other end of the spectrum. What are the risks that derail the relationship?

The sub may feel that the boss is there more by an accident of age or seniority. So he tries to belittle the boss and strives hard to prove him wrong. The game to make the boss look like and asshole is in full swing. You hide key info from him. Make a big story about the mistakes he made. Does it help? Most often not. It would be just counterproductive. If you take an effort to prove that your boss is an idiot, you are proving to be a bigger idiot for working for him.

The boss may feel that the sub is a threat to him or that he doesn’t play to his tune. Then lots of his energy goes in neutralizing the sub. You belittle him in front of the team or even outsiders. You don’t involve him in key deliberations. You go out of your way to ensure that he doesn’t grow in stature within or without. You rely more on outside experts and make him feel small. Does this help? No. It only dissipates the energy within the organization. The sub no more is your alley. He will work towards torpedoing your plans. He will never give his best. You need to remember your sub who is ready to give his life for you and the organization can be your biggest asset. (I assume that your sub is worth this respect. If not, you are to blame for having him there in the first place) when you help him to grow you grow too.

The reality is seldom at either end of the spectrum. It is a floating point that dances all along the spectrum. The success of the team depends on how both the boss and the sub fully absorbs and appreciates the essence of this continuum; analyze their relationship in this framework and work towards keeping the course steady. Then the relationship grows in trust and the teams become a winning combination and avoid game of one-upmanship.