Sleeping with the enemy

Human beings are social animals. We have friends and we have enemies. They are nothing but two sides of the same coin; often changing from one form to another based on context or on situation.

What drives our enmity to somebody? The two key factors that influence this are Desire and Pride. Desire on one extreme could be the greed for more and more and on the other extreme it could be the need for self preservation, protection of what we hold precious or demanding what is due. Similarly, pride on one extreme could be the bloated ego or on the other extreme could be defending our dignity.

When we have a conflict with another person about something we desire, or when he hurts our pride in some fashion he becomes our enemy.

The degree of conflict or the stakes associated in this conflict will also determine the intensity of our hostility. If we are fighting for a large material benefit or preservation of our dignity and honour we may even fight harder.

Enmity is also contextual and situational. When Sachin and Jayasurya are playing for India and Sri Lanka they are competing and they are enemies during the game. But when they are playing for Mumbai Indians they are friends. May be in private life they would be friends. Similarly, if I am working with one Mutual Fund, I will be fighting and in competition with other Mutual Funds; maybe I will even try a few tricks to make my competition look not good enough. But when all the mutual funds are fighting with the insurance industry or we are lobbying with the regulator, we are all friends. Mukesh and Anil Ambani may have been fighting with each other to further the interest of their companies and also their personal pride.

That is why sometime the enemy of our enemy becomes our friend. Remember the famous quote from Mr Bush, the past president of America. “You are either my friend or my enemy”.

It is also person dependent. Some people are more tolerant about desire and conflicts associated with it; some people are more accommodating about hurt to their ego so long as there is a material benefit.

When we deal with people, whether in business or in friendship, we need to develop a skill to assess how they would react if and when there is a conflict with respect to either their desire or their pride. We need to also be sensitive to how the reaction would differ as per the situation, the people present or the stakes involved.

If the other person is very greedy, he may use any means to get what he wants or on the other hand we may be able to buy him at a price. If the other person is very proud and hot-headed, it may not be a good idea to needle his pride.

We have to also factor in how powerful, the person with whom we have a conflict is. The more powerful we are, in relation with the other person, we have a better handle. But we need to keep in mind, that the power is determined by not just what he possess or what his position is; but, also by what he perceives that he has to lose. That is why one suicide bomber, can inflict more damage than a battalion of regular soldiers.

“In a war, just or unjust, in the end nobody wins”