We often face situations in which we have to give advice to others; it could to our friends, relatives, colleagues or professional associates. Sometimes it is free advice because we want to help or sometimes it is a part of our professional duty.
We undertake this role with varying degrees of involvement. The stronger our bond with the other person and/or stronger our concern and interest (sometimes private agenda) in the matter under consideration, the higher would be our involvement.
However, the one thing we often forget is that, when we give advice our role is just that; to give advice and present a strong supporting rationale behind our advice. Then we should to leave it to the other person to take his call.
But what often happens is that once we give our advice, we develop certain expectations. Expectation about acknowledgment of our contribution, expectation about the credit for our advice or expectation about the pleasure of seeing the advice being given heed to. We want to hear them exclaiming “what an idea sirjee” like the idea cellular advertisement. If none of these happens we feel disappointed. We may also get upset and irritated. In some extremes, the irritation starts showing in the way we deal with that person. Very often we would refuse to give any further advice.
In such situations, we often end up being the loser in the whole transaction, because it has made us unhappy. A better idea will be to treat this process as a learning exercise. The other person has presented us with a problem and we got an opportunity to study it without being affected by it, see it in a different perspective and make a valid contribution. Take it as a case study and see how it adds value to us.
If the other person follows our advice, we get a chance to test our hypothesis or theory or strategy. If he doesn't, and follows another course, then also we get a chance to learn. If it turns out well, we learn a new way of approaching the problem. If not, we may get a chance to do an autopsy and learn what not to do. Itcould also teach us something about why the other person did not accept our advice. May be he got a better advice. May be when all factors were considered he had to take a different course of action. May be our advice was not good enough. May be we could not give enough confidence to the other person. May be he is not so bright, may be he has some other agenda!
We looked at how to give advice. Now, let us also take a look at how to take advice. There are times when we get advice from another person. Sometimes we may actually pay somebody to get an advice.
Even here we may fall in the trap of proving our point or feeling satisfied by comparing with other person to see how smart we are. Here again it is better to take the opportunity to listen and learn.
We should present our problem/ concern/ issue to the other person whom we have requested for an advice. Then we should let him, rather make him speak. There is no point in trying to prove to the other person our smartness or biasing his thoughts. Listen. I know a person who call experts to his office after paying them a fee and then spend the whole time propounding his ideas. There no point in being insecure or insensitive.
We should also be able to look at the advice given to us with an open mind, and evaluate it in its own merit. At this point we should avoid being clouded by our biases, fears and preferences. Only then can we take the full benefit of the advice. The higher we go up in our career or more power is associated with our position higher the risk of falling into this trap.
I don’t deny some advice is not worth pursuing. Finally it is our call any way.
“Advice is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most, like it the least.” Lord Chesterfield
Though feelings are intangible, yet, we do measure & quantify it so well in our hearts. Each one of us are so well aware of whom we love & respect the most; without whom nearby, life will definitely be dull … we fear losing them and want to hold on to them forever … These are one or two people in life who matter the most to us…. I believe that, it’s not that we who find someone whom we love and respect so much… It can only be God’s gift….
ReplyDeleteOnly and only such people are concerned and take interest in our personal matters….They think, feel for it and advice as they cannot bear us taking a wrong decision for life…So, needless to say, they are correct as they know us so well……Its so very hard to take a call which is not in accordance…. Fear of having chosen the wrong path grips so tight…guilt of not having listened paralyses… thoughts in this respect just doesn’t leave us alone….We look back again and again trying to re assess our call…Perhaps we take a call that this is the first and the last time that I took a call on my own…
Everybody who advises tends to feeel that his / her advice is the only solution and the best possible forgetting that it is only one of the rainbow of possibilities. Though the person who comes asking for advice does express his / her difficulties, they do not tell all the constraints which would come into play while taking the decision while the advice tendered might assume unfettered circumstances. The constraints could be serious sickness of close famly member/members which advice seekers might not express.
ReplyDeleteOnce the advice giver feels that he / she ahs provided the best solution, there is an expectation of recognition/ gratitude which is only human. Identity and recognition are essential for human beings and only a very mature person whould be able to overcome these common human frailties
When some one asks for an advise, there is more possibility of acceptance, if the advise is genuine. When we decide to give advise without someone wanting it, may be even if it is the best suited solution, it stands 50% chance of being listened carefully and understood (most of the time it gets rejected either because the advisor status is not upto the mark of the listener - in his mindset - and therefore instead of focusing on advise, the focus tends to go on advisors status).
ReplyDeleteAs much one may be in need, the egos are not set aside. For e.g if the advise is being given by subordinate to the Boss, it much depends on how much ego boss has because many a times boss will still stick to the issue and problem instead of taking advise and arriving at solution because of the ego. However, in reverse, even if the advise is not so good (and given with half understanding) subordinate many a times have to go by the advise of Boss (else it will be considered insubordination and attract the wrath of the boss). Frankly I can write comment as lengthy (or more) as the blog size because, I have worked under such bosses who even at the cost of their own loss would not like to take my advise.